A Timely Question

Who am I? They often tell me I would step from my cell's confinement calmly, cheerfully, firmly, like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me I would talk to my warden freely and friendly and clearly, as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me I would bear the days of misfortune equably, smilingly, proudly, like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of, or am I only what I know of myself, restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat, yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds, thirsting for
words of kindness, for neighborliness, trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation, tossing in expectation of great events,

powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance, weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making, faint and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the other? Am I one person today, and tomorrow another? Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others, and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling? Or is something within me still like a beaten army, fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine. Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine.

The words were written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer over sixty years ago as he sat awaiting execution for his role in an unsuccessful assasination attempt on Adolph Hitler. Bonhoeffer was a pastor of the Evangelical (Lutheran) Church in Germany. His rationale for participating in an assasination attempt was, "it is better to do evil than to become evil".

The words of the poem are pertinent to me as I reflect upon my life. Now unemployed for the first time since I was 15 I ask the question daily, Who Am I?". My questioning ends the same as Bonhoeffer's, "Whoever I am, Thou Knowest, O God, I am thine."